Saturday, January 31, 2004
Let the rain fall down and wake my dreams.
Let it wash away my sanity.
'Cause I wanna feel the thunder, I wanna scream.
Let the rain fall down, I'm comimg clean, I'm coming clean
I was really angry last night which made me say some stuff I didn't mean in a very mean way and it resulted in Ben hanging up on me. Arggh, I feel so bad, I had a good sleep last night, these new tranquilizers(sp?) are working. But I still feel bad, infact, I feel terrible, awful, shattered, regretful.
I'm sorry for being wierd :( actually, I'm sorry for just being me.
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by Tanya @ 1/31/2004 11:16:00 AM
Friday, January 30, 2004
And I, just wish that I didn't feel like there was something I missed
And I, take back all the things I said, to make you feel like that
And I, give it all away, just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away to have someone, to come home to
This is my December, these are my snow covered dreams
Sorry I haven't been updating. I've been having a few problems too bad to explain here. Ugh, I feel like crap...I've been crying again and listening to Linkin Park over and over...argh, the neighbours complained about the loudness, well fuck you, suffer the angst!
At the moment, I'm sitting here crying, looking at the storm rage outside, and writing poetry. I really wish I had Ben to hold onto right now. Anyway, bye.
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by Tanya @ 1/30/2004 02:20:00 PM
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
I'm the one who wants to be with you, deep inside I hope you feel it too.
I stayed up until 4.30am last night. The things I do, just to try and talk to Polish Idol winner Alex. It was cool though, even though I cannot understand Polish but I'll work on it for the next time!
I tried so hard to sleep, but I kept getting woken up by my Dad getting ready for work, Ben prank calling me and someone mowing their lawn at 8 fucking am in the morning! Ben then called me at 9am to tell me to get my ass on the net so I could send him pics. He's sweet...really, he is..I'm just hoping to get a little bit of sleep today so I have energy to YELL at him tonight. Arrrgh, 4 months since we've broken up and I still love him as much as I did when I first started loving him. Well, be back later...maybe. Ciao
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by Tanya @ 1/27/2004 04:52:00 PM
Sunday, January 25, 2004
I still get lost in your eyes and it seems that I can't live a day without you.
And when the stars fall, I will lie awake. Your my shooting star.
What a day. I've had my heartbroken, written a song, written numerous poems and lost respect for my Dad in one day!
Maybe I should just sit here and pretend I'm in San Francisco, being one of the gorgeous Charmed ones. But dreaming is for wimps, or so that's the lesson I've learnt today. Argh, I must be the biggest wimp of them all, because all I ever do is sit around and dream...of Ben. Wait, I didn't say that did I? Yes I did...oh, I love him. I feel terrible, over the way I've treated him. Some good friend I am. I'm pathetic and a selfish bitch.
I would like to also apologise to the people who have to put up with my corny, stupid writings. I know what your all thinking but maybe being corny is the only way I can explain my real feelings about myself and about Ben.
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by Tanya @ 1/25/2004 06:51:00 PM
Oh my beds so cold at night and I miss you more each day, only you can make it right no I'm not too proud to say.
All I know is I'm lost without you I'm not gonna lie, how am I going to be strong without you? I need you by my side.
If I could only hold you now and make the pain just go away, can't stop the tears from running down my face.
I've been talking to Ben lately. Wait, let me rephrase that; I've been crying alot to Ben lately. I think the reality of him being completely over me is starting to sink in and I feel lost and alone. I don't really know what to do. I know he likes someone else and that someone else, I really don't like. I try and do so much for him and now, there really is no point. I want to apologise for being selfish and mindless, and for misunderstanding my own friend. It's so, hard, to even attempt and try to get over these feelings. I've never felt love like I do before, I mean it, I've never felt it..ever. I really wish my heart would stop breaking, but it's falling apart rapidly. How much heartache do I have to go through? I don't deserve this now, not after me moving away from everything I've ever loved. I Love Ben and nothing can change how I feel for him. Even though my heart is breaking, I manage not to feel empty because I still love him. I don't know what to do.
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by Tanya @ 1/25/2004 03:26:00 PM
Saturday, January 24, 2004
You came from heaven. Your goal in life is to help
others and to make the world a better place.
Some call you weak, but in reality your soul is
very strong. If only more people were like
you...
Where did you come from?
brought to you by Quizilla
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by Tanya @ 1/24/2004 10:49:00 PM
Friday, January 23, 2004
Okay I was wrong, Ben called me today. But we didn't really talk about the subject that I hoping we would talk about it, but I'll let it pass. I get to talk to him tonight aswell, hopefully.
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by Tanya @ 1/23/2004 06:56:00 PM
I found this in a person's livejournal:
...I was in my dress uniform as I walked into the post office this afternoon to retrieve my mail. And as I walked through the entrance, the most beautiful, little girl turned to me. She smiled at me, and then waved. At that moment, my heart strained to withhold the tears which were quivering upon my eyelids. How profound it is when one honest smile can lift one's spirits to point of tearful rupture! My reasoning is that children are capable of compassion because this world has yet to hurt and taint them. Eventually however, everyone has they're innocence stripped from them, whilst they endure heartbreak and loss... Here's my point: Love is selfish. It is selfish because our hearts are struggling just to survive in this world. We lie, cheat, harm, manipulate, and shatter other people in order to acquire our sustenance. Love is selfish because we all require different mediums to fuel our hearts. We always take what others are willing to give. And we give only enough to acquire what we need. I'm afraid that true love is a fragile dream... Only lasting as long as both lovers are willing to keep it alive. And as life finds new ways to torment us, we find it necessary to quell those fresh wounds. Thus our hearts begin to change... and when a heart changes, that once precious love begins to die. Love was never meant to last. It is the means by which our minds are seduced into further propagating the human species. Merely a tool to achieve an ever so brief end. Despite this, I carry on, wanting to believe that love is real. All the while hoping to find someone whom I can confide in for an eternity. For I am alone... and I need a reason to live.
this comment followed:
Even when there is only one breath of air left to breathe, our lungs will always take the next breath. And even when there is only a flicker of a glimmer of a shadow of the tiniest shred of hope in this world, we will continue to hope. That is the depth of human endurance.
There are people in this world who have been to hell and returned, and survived. People who have been persecuted their whole lives, had their whole lives torn apart and torn apart again, and yet had the courage to still believe in human Love.
I believe that Love is not a luxury that we carry locked away, it is the essence of us. I have lost greatly and bitterly in my life but I will never lose sight of that. I hope you find belief in Love. I hope you can know that there are people who care selflessly and truly. And I hope with a genuine and burning hope that you will find your reason.
I hope the woman truly finds what she is looking for, because I am sure as hell not going to.
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by Tanya @ 1/23/2004 10:56:00 AM
Thursday, January 22, 2004
I'm in a bit of a rut with Ben, seriously. I put so much into our friendship while he does nothing. So I've been angry at him and he's promised to speak to me about it a few times, but never ends up doing it because he's either:
+Busy...
+Parental probs...
+With friends...
It shits me off. Oh well. He promises (like really) to talk to me tomorrow about it, but I wouldn't fucking bet on it.
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by Tanya @ 1/22/2004 07:57:00 PM
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
As if I'm not a poser, actually, to be honest, I wasn't posing. I was just sitting there talking to someone then decided to press the click 'take a photo' button. Hehe. I know what your thinking, but no I refuse to be a poser, for anyone and for myself. It would make me feel so, bleh, to be a poser.
Do you want to hear something amazingly unfair? Okay. As you probably most likely all know, I got kicked out of the Friends residence on the last day of my schooling year. They know that I can't come back to Friends, so they assumed for me that I was going somewhere else. Well, it so happens that since I didn't give a Term's notice to leave, I still have to pay the fees for first term this year. That is so unfair, it's not like I had a term to give notice. It's so Fucking unfair. I mean it. My family has enough money problems already, so why does Friends' have to be difficult and make it worse?
Well I've contacted the school and I've asked to speak to John Green, but no he's on his lunchbreak so he's assumingly calling me back. That was well over 8 hours ago and I know he's a busy man, but, honestly.
Tonight is Libby's going away party and how sad, she held her own. Ben's going, kinda worried, but hopefully I'll talk to him later tonight. I told him if he does ANYTHING with her, I will personally kick his ass. And I mean it.
I'm pretty bored right now. Michael's gone somewhere so I don't have anyone to have an interlectual/philisophical conversation with. Okay, just crusing on the today tonight website agian, hopefully there will be a subject there to rant about, and damn there isn't. Bah.
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by Tanya @ 1/20/2004 10:54:00 PM
Tomboy
What's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla
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by Tanya @ 1/20/2004 09:04:00 PM
Tanya Ravencraft, yep, if I was officially going to change my name, that's what it would be. I think I plan to do that when I'm older. Tanya Davis...yuck, it sounds so PLAIN. Ravencraft sounds full of mystery and paranormal wonder. Hehe. Hmmm, I need to go back to Tassie for the 7th of February. Would anyone like to donate money to help me get there?
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by Tanya @ 1/20/2004 01:00:00 PM
Monday, January 19, 2004
Things to do before I am 30:
Go on National Television (Thats done, I was on Compass!)
Live overseas
Be a one hit wonder
Swim in three oceans
Produce my own line of psycho barbie dolls
End my addiction with Neopets.com
Tip a waiter with something other than money
Snowboard on three continents
Bail someone out of jail, doesn't include myself
Save a life.
hmm, I don't why I wrote this down. But aren't they interesting?
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by Tanya @ 1/19/2004 10:33:00 AM
Sunday, January 18, 2004
But if my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cause nothing I have is truly mine.
I’ve always thought that I would love to live by the sea,
To travel the world alone and live my life more simply.
I have no idea what’s happened to that dream,
Cause there’s really nothing left here to stop me
While my heart is a shield and I won’t let it down
While I am so afraid to fail so I won’t even try
Well how can I say I’m alive.
That song Life for Rent by Dido is cool. I really want her album, but alas I am broke. I would download it all, but it's quite a meaningful cd and so it's more special when you actually 'own' it. I have to give Ben the last of my money, because I did something terrible and I want to make it up to him. I dare say I'm not really a good friend, but he still thinks I'm the best friend in the world. Oh he's a sweetie alright, just plain damn beautiful. Hmm I'm planning to grow my hair out, so it's about half away down my back...I want rapunzel locks. I've decided I really want to go out and travel, but aargh, must save up money first. Money, money, money, it's what I want, but the best things in life are free. Come on, spending a perfect day with the person you love in the park is absolutely priceless. Seeya later.
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by Tanya @ 1/18/2004 03:08:00 PM
Don't you wish you could rewind time? Wow that would be so cool. Then you could do so much stuff, like fix mistakes, replay a favourite memory..etc. Hmm, I know if I had the power to rewind time, I would fix ALOT of mistakes. Well my darlings, I can't think of anything else to write. Till next time.
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by Tanya @ 1/18/2004 11:35:00 AM
Saturday, January 17, 2004
For all you lucky readers out there, there is now a comment box. You comments are greatly appreciated, considering I ramble on about the public alot. So, knock yourself out!
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by Tanya @ 1/17/2004 07:06:00 PM
Friday, January 16, 2004
Bah. Dad's given me a job. Doing stuff on the computer and crap like that. In other news, Nick went to Germany a few days ago and recently I've been speaking to WillO, who's in Canada. On Sunday, Erin's going to Mexico and that leaves me here wishing I was going to some exotic location.
I sit here listing to Hysteria by Muse and thinking about the book I've just finished reading. Yep, I brought A Walk to Remember the other day and I have to say, it's the most beautiful book I have ever read. It's one of those books that loser people like me read and who stop and think 'Damn, why can't someone love me like that?' and then have an emotional break down. Yep, sounds gay, but it happens alot.
I've made an important decision. I'm through with guys, yep, no more guys EVER. Except for that special one, but as if anything is going to happen there but of course I'll always think about him as 'the last guy I took my chance on and loved'. As time goes by, you'll think I'll get over it, but no, just because I'll grow up and grow out of this silly 'I don't want any men' stage, I'll still keep my word. The truth is, I don't think I could ever be ready for another heartbreak, I'm a very emotional person. That leaves me, without my number 1 ambition fulfilled, which I guess really isn't that important. I think I'll go lesbian, besides, they are more of the emotional type like myself. I don't really find myself turned on by guys anymore, it's just something I don't need. Hmm I think God intended on me being lonely, because I believe that's how I'm going to turn out. One of those ratty old women who live in an old house, surrounded by millions of cats, dreaming of a romance they wish they had, but oh well. I'll get over it. No one wants me anyway and if they do, it's because they either:
A: Like my anatomy
B: Because I have money
C: Because I seem to be easy.
That's just friggin great isn't it? I really just want to find someone who actually does love me for me, who even by the time we're 50, will still think of me as the most beautiful person ever and are still able to have a warm conversation with me. But the old-fashioned type of love seems to be dying out. Women are now just 'bitches' or 'hoes' to guys now, because of the Pimps and Rappers that grew out of the oppression of Negro people. I'm not blaming them or anything, it's just the influence that they seem to have on young teenagers in our society. Oh, I have a headache now. Later people.
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by Tanya @ 1/16/2004 01:23:00 PM
Thursday, January 15, 2004
It's funny, that when you have too much time to kill, you can forget the simplest everyday things.
I've forgotten to update in this, yeh sorry for yesterday. I really don't have anything to make up for it though.
I've been alot happier to Ben on the phone and things are going well. He is a real sweetypie and I love him so much.
Well, bye now :)
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by Tanya @ 1/15/2004 12:52:00 AM
Tuesday, January 13, 2004
I am pretty much by myself these days. Oh well. I don't really want to socialise in person anyway.
One of Ben's new years resolutions is to find a girlfriend and have a really nice meaningful relationship. Sorry but I couldn't hold back my feelings on this one so I just blurted out all this stuff and I hope he doesn't think less of me. Oh I'm feeling really lonely right now. Just feeling a little "off" sitting here by myself, thought that I would drop by.
Oh well, this is what happens when you have too much time to kill. I wrote my list of my life ambitions the other day. Here I'll post some:
+Go to France and see the Effiel Tower
+Examine a moonrock
+Live until 2061 to see Halley's Comet
+Make Ben happy so he never has to cry again
+Work for Amnesty International
etc...etc...
Oww, they might sound pathetic, but they're things I really really really want to do. There's more, but they get waaay more personal.
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by Tanya @ 1/13/2004 12:24:00 AM
Sunday, January 11, 2004
Arrgh. Ben was shitfaced last night and being terribly disturbing. I put up with it for a while, then it just went downhill, reminding me of paintful memories.
I've just realised, that Ben is a boy, and just a boy and he's no special than any other one. All boys want is sex. Arrgh.
In an attempt to get info out of him I asked things like 'Do you only want to have sex with me because I am hot?' and he's like 'noooo your smart and funny and then pretty....hot... '
The conversation always turned into that continious circle of me being hot.
Maybe it is better that I love him from afar and remember the times when he was a very special boy. Maybe I should not talk to him, besides, i don't think we deserve eachother anyway now, he doesn't need someone who winges and makes him worry.
I know he was drunk, but doesn't the truth come out when people are intoxicated by alcohol? I also told him I loved him and he simply laughed at me. I feel stupid, incredibly stupid.
I'm just brokenhearted, that's all.
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by Tanya @ 1/11/2004 06:05:00 PM
Saturday, January 10, 2004
Hello there.
Sorry to say, but I don't really have anything to say. I wish I could ramble, but the words won't come out.
I've been acting really childish today, getting excited at the most simple things and just in general, childish stuff.
I really miss Ben right now, heaps and heaps. Owwww, I have no one to talk to right now, so I is feeling a bit lonely. *sniff*
So, you, you person or animal reading this, maybe you should think about what YOU did today and how that influenced the world. Hehe, I'm just being silly now.
Yay, got up to Year 2 on Harvest Moon and completed 47 word finds today! Wordfinds are my newest obsession, besides Ben. I want to become Wordfind champ, I reckon it would be cool, don't you think?
Hmmmm...nothing else more to say I guess. Well, it's past my bedtime anyway.
Goodnight.
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by Tanya @ 1/10/2004 11:16:00 PM
Friday, January 09, 2004
Justice is a signal to do what needs to be done. A time comes when responsibilities must be accepted, and accounts settled. The past will continue to haunt you if you do not recognize your mistakes and make amends for them. You will need to weigh matters carefully and perhaps make important decisions about your future course. For a full description of your card and other goodies, please visit LearnTarot.com |
What tarot card are you? Enter your birthdate. |
I am Justice-
by Tanya @ 1/09/2004 02:26:00 PM
Thursday, January 08, 2004
Now I'm standing on the corner, all the worlds gone home.
Nobody's changed, Nobody's been saved, And I'm feeling cold and alone.
I guess I'm lucky, I smile a lot.
But sometimes I ask for more than I've got
What about me, It isn't fair.
I've had enough, now I want my share.
Can't you see, I wanna live.
But you just take more than you give.
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by Tanya @ 1/08/2004 09:06:00 PM
Tuesday, January 06, 2004
Yep, so I cruised around on the Today Tonight Website (again) and found this poll: Should Steve Irwin's nomination as Australian of the Year be withdrawn?
haahaa, I got so disgusted with poll results! %65 said YES! overruling the 35% of NO.
I had to give feedback, it was so deliciously tempting:
"I was recently appauled on the poll votes of: Should Steve Irwin's nomination as Australian of the Year be withdrawn?
I am a 16 year old girl and I believe that the answer is a clear NO. Just because Mr.Irwin wasn't aware of the outcome of his act doesn't mean that he should have his nomination taken away. Things like that happen everyday, it's a simple mistake. I don't see why the whole 'adult' world can't understand that. The older generation have to take the simplest mistakes and turn them in the worst. Some teenagers are appauled by adults who make and presume their right, on these types of mistakes. Indeed you can think that Mr.Irwin is crazy but he quoted:
"It's all about perceived danger," he said. "In front of that crocodile I was in absolute and complete control, that is my profession."
Ha, I don't even think why anyone would even dare take his nomination because he was only doing his job to entertain the audience. He child was indeed not even in any danger and obviously anyone can see that because Steve Irwin, afterall is 'THE CROCODILE HUNTER'
What sort of country is this? Can't the public see that even the 'true' Australians make mistakes.
I feel terribily sorry for Mr.Irwin because he is indeed a 'True' Australian who deserves to be nominated and if he isn't because of a mistake like that, then who is?"
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by Tanya @ 1/06/2004 01:56:00 PM
Young girl, don't cry. I'll be right here when your world starts to fall.
Young girl, it's all right. Your tears will dry, you'll soon be free to fly
When you're safe inside your room you tend to dream of a place where nothing's harder than it seems.
No one ever wants or bothers to explain of the heartache life can bring and what it means.
When there's no one else, look inside yourself. Like your oldest friend, just trust the voice within.
Then you'll find the strength, that will guide your way. If will learn to begin, to trust the voice within.
Young girl, don't hide. You'll never change if you just run away
Young girl, just hold tight. And soon you're gonna see your brighter day
Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed, it's so hard to stand your ground when you're so afraid.
No one reaches out a hand for you to hold, when you're lost outside look inside to your soul.
Life is a journey, it can take you anywhere you choose to go.
As long as you're learning, you'll find all you'll ever need to know
You'll make it, just don't go forsaking yourself. No one can stop you, you know that I'm talking to you
Young girl don't cry, I'll be right here when your world starts to fall....
Note: There isn't anyone here for me and my world has already fallen...argh.
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by Tanya @ 1/06/2004 01:37:00 PM
I'm sorry, but there's no one online or anyone to talk to at the moment except for you, whoever you are.
I was talking to Daz before and the conversation made me miss Tasmania miserably. So here I am crying and it's so painful to write these emotions down, but I continue to because they have to come out somehow. I can't stand this anymore. I'm hurting so much and each sentence right now is taking me over 10 mintues because I stop and cry each fullstop. I'm sorry I really didn't have anyone else to talk to!! Oh what the fuck am I kidding, your not even real! You can't help me, you can't do anything!
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by Tanya @ 1/06/2004 12:54:00 AM
Monday, January 05, 2004
Got off the phone to Ben 2 hours ago. I'm missing him soo much. Unbearable missing aswell, not just slight missing.
Maybe that's what that pain is that I am experiencing in the mornings. Owww, I wish I could hold him in my arms right now.
I was just speaking with this boy named X (Sorry, but it's a secret). Now X has had his heartbroken by his ex-girlfriend because she liked someone else. Now, she has realised her mistake and has claimed "I feel stupid for letting you go. i was the happiest ever with you. I felt wed be together forever when i was in your arms. I felt so special."
Now that's just plain gorgeous. X & his special girl might be getting back together tomorrow. It's so sweet, it made me cry when he told me how happy he was. Now that just makes you go awwwwwwwww...that's something special. Something Tanya doesn't have.
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by Tanya @ 1/05/2004 11:41:00 PM
I was just cruising around on the Today Tonight website and I noticed this poll: Is age 17 too young to get married?
Obviously, it was answered by adults, with Yes being the majority vote (81%) and no being at just a lowsy %19.
Isn't it amazingly unfair? That adults presume everything about the every day teenager, when they don't know jackshit. Just because they were once a teenager, doesn't mean that what they experienced as a teenager is the same as being a teenager in today's world. For example, take a boy and girl who are about 15 who have sex and whoops something controversial happens and the girl gets pregnant. Now today's parents would say 'They're too young to be engaging in those things and I bet they didn't even talk about contraception!' But that is not true. I believe that if you are ready to have sex and your with someone you trust and blah blah, that you should do it. You'll have to experience it sometime in your life, and why not at the height of your sexual peak? And with the contraception thing, they teach us all about it in school so the parentals lives are easier.
Then there is that saying 'Boys will be boys'. I know that when I got into trouble for sex in the boarding house, the woman said 'As if Ben isn't going to tell all those rowdy year 9 boys, he's a boy and all boys are like that.' Now secretly in my head I was thinking 'Excuse me bitch, you know nothing about Ben so how DARE you say that, mole.' But to minus the swearing and without being rude I simply replied 'Ben isn't like that' and ugh, she LAUGHED in my face. So much for telling the truth. Does anyone remember that ad with the girl who played in the car with her friends and wrecked her parent's farm? But in the end she told the truth and admitted it was her and then everyone was happy because 'Even though you knew you were in big trouble, you still told the truth.' Ha, but unfortunately that is a "From the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day saints ad" Haha, If christian parents are like that, then fucking baptise me and put me into a christian foster home.
When I watched Today Tonight, the adult world is complaining on how young drivers are inexperienced (no shit sherlock, they've only been on the roads for a few years, even months). Just because a majority of car accidents are people ages 17-24, means absolute shit all. Unlucky them, the fucking parentals can't say shit about us being inexperienced because it's not like we've been driving all our lives! There they go again, comparing us so called kids to them. We're not fucking perfect you know!
Now I come back to the poll question of 'Is age 17 too young to get married?' In my opinion I would have to say 'No fucking way.' As long as you feel you are with a person who treats you right and loves you etc, then why the fucking hell not? Maybe those 17 year old people feel that they don't need to live a life first. Arg, I'm so sick of stories on where the adult world complains about those young hooligans who got married when they are only 17. It's bullshit really, what ever happened to Love Fucking Conquers All?
Hate today's world. It's full of stereotypical shit. When will the older generations realise that today's world is different from what they have lived in.
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by Tanya @ 1/05/2004 07:20:00 PM
What is with today? Is today some special day for television to 'only show programs and movies with soppy, romantic endings?'
I watched Charmed on TV1. Old episodes, from when Prue was there. It was the episode when Piper and Leo were about to Handfast but then he gets taken by the source because they find out. Bah, to have powerful love like Piper and Leo is beautiful. Ha, (but it's only t.v you will cry) t.v or no t.v, it's still beautiful to know that a guy can look at girl like no other guy can.
Why am I the unlucky one? Will I ever find some happiness like that?
gtg, Simpsons are on.
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by Tanya @ 1/05/2004 05:57:00 PM
Sunday, January 04, 2004
I am so sick of the stereotyping bitches in this world.... The 2 people i hate the most in this world:
People that think you have to have sex with a girl to know you are a lesbian or bisexual.....Logical Question - do you have to fuck a guy to know you're straight? NO. Case fucking closed.
People that think Bisexual girls are just girls that like to brag about it to guys and don't like girls at all. Logical Question - Do you think that if we were Bisexual, we wouldn't still be in the closet to some people, or that we would actually want to be with a girl? You really don't even need a logical question for this one...I came out in the 8th fucking grade, it wasn't anything to brag about, I just felt I needed to get it out. It is extremely hard to come out of the closet, too...considering the fact that most always ask how you know you are that way, if you have ever been with the same sex, you are too young to know, blah blah blah......
I am so sick of stereotypes and bullshit from straight people. And I also hate when those stupid DYKES (yes I said dykes, this qualifies) complain about all those "little girls" bugging them and posting about their boyfriend and such...you know those people that wanna ruin moods by complaining about bisexuals that are young enough to have the guts to come out and have fun and be proud....just cause some people didn't wait till they were 27 to come out or even realise we were gay or bisexual or whatever, doesn't mean you need to rain on our fucking parade.
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by Tanya @ 1/04/2004 05:52:00 PM
Aaaargh.
+SAVE MONEY. Remember that, freak? You friends want to see you so save money this year. Stop buying on impulse. Choose wisely the movies to watch. Eat cheap but nutritious food. Stop the chocolate craving.
+JOG REGULARLY. You can't be fucked making an effort, maybe you should take Ben's fucking advice and stoping being so fucking lazy and selfish! You're tummy's big. You don't even eat vegetables. You used to be running pro so you can easily do this! And stop making excuses about not having a comfy jog outfit or shoes anymore.
+STOP SMOKING. I know you only smoke when you're depressed or stressed but quit the habit! Even if it looks cool! Ben will still be your friend if you kick the habit.
+DON'T DRINK ALCOHOL. Your a fucking alcoholic, it's not good for you and your only young, for fucksake.
+READ MORE. I know TV's taking up your precious free time but why not, instead of watching those cheezy and manipulative Star in a Million or StarStruck, read a good book instead? You did fine this year, having read five and immediately naming them your favorites in your Friendster profile since they're the only books you've read anyway, but I know you can do better this year!
+STOP THAT INSECURITY CRAP! I know this is the hardest one for you but not all people are beautiful! Not all of us are geniuses! There will always be the mediocre, untalented, and ugly ones like you. Accept it.
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by Tanya @ 1/04/2004 03:57:00 PM
Sorry, I didn't post yesterday.
I feel like the kid at a young age that got told there is no Santa Claus. Led to believe in something, only to realise it's a big crock of shit.
I miss Ben.
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by Tanya @ 1/04/2004 02:26:00 PM
Friday, January 02, 2004
I made Ben cry
then I made myself cry.
I'm so sorry.
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by Tanya @ 1/02/2004 11:19:00 PM
Thursday, January 01, 2004
If you don't like me
Please say so
If you hate me
Please say so
If I'm making you miserable
Please say so
If me living is hurting you
Please say so
If you want me dead
All you have to do is say so
If you want me dead
I'll pull the trigger
I'll slit my wrists
I'll hang my self
I'll end it like this.
If you love me say it now
No one but me will hear you
No one else is around.
I loved all of you
But none of you loved me
It's time to go now
From this world thats so mean
Please don't cry
I don't see the reason why.
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by Tanya @ 1/01/2004 03:11:00 PM
Sometimes it feels very awkward talking to him now, like all I do is annoy him and he really doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I think he's really bothered every time I tell him he is gorgeous etc.
There are times when it feels like we're going out again, but nope, that can't be possible.
I nearly lost it last night. I was hurting really bad. I threw a tantrum and went absolutely insane. I went out and smashed glass on the road.
Everyone has New Years Resolutions. I have 2
+New Year Resolution 1: Successfully get a job.
+New Year Resolution 2: Make Ben happy, something I don't do often.
If I am going to get a job, I'll have to make a resume, something I can't be bothered doing. Ah fuck it, I'm going to TAFE.
Well it's been a long morning and as I sit here crying for reasons unknown to me, actually I do know the reasons. There is 2:
+Number one being I miss Ben and love him very very much. He amazes me and I'm just not seeing him so that's one.
+Number two being that I'm a lonely, lonely girl. Not lonely as in "lonely hearts" lonely. But just weirdness.
I've just had my best family friend over and I felt lonely for the whole duration.
Don't you ever sit there, missing the person you love, remembering little things like how soft their skin is, how their hair smells and how you just miss them in general.
I still felt lonely, hurt and rejected. However corny this sounds, whenever I have my arms around the person that I love most in the world, I manage not to feel lonely. I don't know why hey. But now I just feel like I've lost everything, that it's not real anymore, that everyone's just pretending now... I don't know. I don't fucking know.
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by Tanya @ 1/01/2004 11:51:00 AM
Happy new year...actually no.
I sit here crying, because I miss Ben so much.
Help me please someone.
It feels like I have been ripped apart.
I love you Ben.
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by Tanya @ 1/01/2004 12:14:00 AM
