Welcome to My broken hearted life.
Day to day, or so, ramblings of my lost love.

-
by Tanya @ 12/31/2003 12:35:00 AM

I'm in a shitty mood right now...wait, not shitty...it's kind of a 'Fucked in the head' situation/emotion.
Yes I am going insane.
Insane in the membrane.
I am going to punch a wall
It would be fun.

I like talking to you, you understand.

-
by Tanya @ 12/30/2003 08:41:00 PM

You can take me to the stars,
and we can lie there forever.
With you I have no problems,
if we could only just be together.

Your words can make me smile,
or they could kill my heart.
A wish asked from me,
would be to never part.

-
by Tanya @ 12/29/2003 04:20:00 PM

First let me say that death will achieve ultimate freedom from pain, fear, and depression. It is also the only way to experience complete peace. The hell of this pointless life and existence holds absolutely no meaning or reason to live. Nothing matters anymore because the deep pain is all that can be felt, and every day it only gets worse and worse. No one cares! LOVE IS A LIE! The voice inside says freedom from the pain is to just end it, so get it over with.

-
by Tanya @ 12/27/2003 11:12:00 PM

Are You Crazy??Find out!

Cheer up, buttercup. Ben will talk to you one day.

-
by Tanya @ 12/27/2003 09:42:00 PM

Happy, smiling, beautiful...
Only my reflection shows the real me...
...Sad, crying, ugly bitch...

Just run away...
No one cares...
Just lose hope...
It will never happen...
Just kill yourself...
No one will miss you...

Thoughts in my head suck. Why? Why? Why?!

-
by Tanya @ 12/27/2003 06:49:00 PM

I've been feeling strange lately. Maybe this is a good time to say my life revolves around Ben. I realised it did. When he isn't around, I'm very restless and bored. I really don't know what to do. I need to fix this, but I can't. Ugh. I feel so bleh. It's really sad what my life is. I'm jealous of the people that actually go out and do things.
I swear, nothing ever works for me.
I can't think of the future, because my hopes will only be let down.
I can't think of the present, because there is too much shit going on.
I can't think of the past, because it hurts too much.
What's left for me to do while I lay in bed now, for hours? My thoughts of Ben hurt because I'm afraid I'll never have that again with someone else. Although I only want it with you.

-
by Tanya @ 12/27/2003 12:56:00 PM

Bah, I can't call Ben everyday. It's a sign that I am annoying him. Oh it kills me, to watch the clock tick by...knowing that if I call he'll just say 'Sorry, gotta go' just because he doesn't want to talk to me.

I'm lost.

-
by Tanya @ 12/27/2003 11:19:00 AM

After pitiful thinking. I've decided not to commit suicide, for Ben's sake, and his sake only!
We have family friends staying here for a while, so there might not be much writing in here for a few days.
I slept on the floor last night, I have to say it was nice, cold and comfortable and that I am going to sleep on it more often.

My family friend's dad, knows I throw up my food. We've just dinner and he goes 'So how's your new diet going?'
and I choked, it sucked.

Even though one of my best friends is here, I still feel lonely.

Anyway. Nice talking to you.

-
by Tanya @ 12/26/2003 06:10:00 PM

I'm sitting here by myself, listening to the usual sad songs that set the mood. I'm home alone, the rest of the people have gone out to lunch.
Ben called but then left, called him back but he seemed busy so I just hung up.
Which reminds me, I have to go to the post office sometime to send stuff off.
Wow, I just put on jeans and it feels wierd after 2 weeks of not wearing actual pants.

I feel numb...even lonely.

I don't dream anymore. My visions of my once past life cease to be, because my mind simply doesn't want to think about them. I think it's just all in my head, but in this reality I would be called insane. Maybe I am insane.
Maybe in my next life I'll be a bird, to be free from it all and to have a soaring spirit. I could rise out of the ashes like a pheonix, sing as much as I want with my sweet tune and fly!

I like talking to you, you don't ask questions, you understand.

-
by Tanya @ 12/25/2003 12:35:00 PM

As I sit here all alone
I think of only you
I think of how I love you
and how you used make me feel.
I think of what could be
a wish come true;
for you to love me too.

I'm holding on to my love for you
and hoping one day soon,
you will love me
like I love you.

-
by Tanya @ 12/24/2003 09:57:00 PM

I talked to Ben on the phone. He's finally gotten out what I really want and it's just to be loved, deeply and forever.
Sometimes I think he does understand, but then there's always that 'but he's a typical male' who wouldn't understand female problems.

He says 'If I mean anything to you at all, then you won't kill yourself, otherwise my life is wrecked and I will kill myself'.
It's extremely hard to choose between love and life. I want to die because I wake up every morning knowing that it is going to be another lonely day, that I am absolutely worthless with no emotions...I am pretty much a souless rag doll, who will do anything for the one person they care about. I have to call this the 'Rei Ayanami' syndrome.
Incase your wondering, Rei Ayanami is a 14 year old girl on the anime series 'Neon Genesis Evangelion'.
She was created by a man named Gendo Ikari, she has no real emotions. She was created to obey her commander.
I feel as if, I am just like her right now and the only person showing me the way, is Ben.
He, on the other hand, would have no reason to kill himself. He actually has big things going on for him and it is obvious that he has a promising good future. Unlike me. He would learn to live without me, it's not like I actually do much anymore anyway, I'm far away in NSW and he's in Tasmania and I wish so hard that I could just be there to see him. I miss him, more than anything I've ever missed, including my deceased Grandmother.

I'm so far away. I can't see how I ever make Ben happy at all. He broke up with me in the first place because he couldn't cope with me being sad and it was making him unhappy. But being sad, is a part of me. I have always been sad and I always will be. Just because people say 'You are pretty' or 'You are the right size' or 'You are so smart,' doesn't mean I actually am. I believe people say these things to one another simply because they don't want to hurt the person's feelings.

I know I am not smart, I'm far from pretty and what exactly is the 'right' size? There are times I think Ben just liked me because I was willing to have sex with him. But now after he said on msn the other night:
Why are our days numbered and not, say lettered? says: it was what i did when i felt like going out with you again but didn't want to say so i'd kiss you or whatever, to show how much i wanted you

I really, really wish so hard that he just told me. I still can't believe though, that I was stupid enough to assume something that wasn't even true. I guess I just got the idea of him still loving me from this email: "Or I could just tell u now, that even though u think i hate u, or at least u say u do, i still like you. Very much."
And pretty much afterwards he would tell me he loved me now and then. That's where I got sucked in. I'm just stupid.

I always felt there was a hole inside me, a feeling of incompleteness always came over me, until I started going out with Ben. And I know it sounds crazy because I am just a young woman, but my instincts would tell me that 'Yes, he is the one you want to be with, forever'. But, because of all the complicatedness, I don't believe my instincts anymore, they've been proven wrong when they are usually right.

Well, enough for today.

-
by Tanya @ 12/24/2003 08:00:00 PM

I've just realised, there was no point in casting that spell. I don't believe in my own religion enough anymore to believe in magick. Another stupidity mark for Tanya. I feel nothing anymore. I'm no longer a dreamer.
For example:
It's been a long and winding journey
But I'm finally here tonight
Picking up the pieces
Walking back into the light
To the sunset of your glory
Where my heart and future lies
There's nothing like that feeling
When I look into your eyes

My dreams came true
When I found you
I found you, my miracle

If you could see what I see
That you're the answer to my prayers
And if you can feel
The tenderness I feel
You would know
It would be clear
That angels brought me here

Standing here before you
Feels like I've been born again
Every breath is your love
Every heartbeat speaks your name

This is 'Angels brought me here' by Guy Sebastian. Powerful lyrics, very meaningful, he obviously believes in dreams. I used to cry and feel love at this song, but I don't anymore. I don't know why. I've lost everything I've believed in.

Maybe, I should've just killed myself last night and not get Ben involved to sweet talk me out of death.

-
by Tanya @ 12/24/2003 04:17:00 PM

It's been almost an hour since I last posted. But I want someone to talk to, so I'll talk to you, because I know you'll listen without asking questions.
Firstly, I wish to apologise privately to Ben. I'm really sorry, I caused you so much trouble because I misunderstood your emotion. I truly believed that you actually loved me and that lead me to just embarass myself...like with all my soppy, pathetic, fucked emails.

Aaaah, I feel like I've been stabbed in the heart with a knife and it's been twisted it around.

It's sunny today. Another 'perfect day in paradise' but unfortunately this isn't paradise for me and no day is perfect.
What should I do? Should I go yell abuse at someone? Should I just sit here and cry silently? I'm confused..which leads me onto the subject of 'Why people cry'
It is a good subject. Crying does nothing to help a situation. So why were humans created and programmed to cry when they are sad? I honestly don't know why I even cry sometimes, when I know it will do nothing for me. Bleh, my head hurts, too much logical thought for today already. Oh dear, wouldn't this just be better if I actually had a life?

I know that attempting sleep with the wish of 'Everything will be back to normal when I wake up' doesn't work, I know this because I've tried and tried before and I can positively say that it just doesn't fucking work. I used to believe in miracles, but not anymore, there really is no point because in the reality of life itself there is no one out there looking out for you. No matter how hard you wish and wish for something spectacular to happen, it will never happen, unless you have a lucky fucking horseshoe wedged up your arse. Nothing is the way you imagine it, it's all in your mind and it's going to stay like that forever, locked inside your mind where it can only harm you mentally.

Now I have a yearning to be abusive, maybe I should just quote a song to stop myself from hurting. Don't mind me typing in caps.
'I WANNA HEAL, I WANNA FEEL, WHAT I THOUGHT WAS NEVER REAL. I WANNA LET GO OF THE PAIN I'VE HELD SO LONG.
Well that made me feel a bit better, maybe I should go down to the beach and scream, then I would be stared at by onlookers, which would just suck.

I casted a spell today, one to stop me from harming myself and others. I hope it works, maybe Ben will like me then.

I hope this post isn't too long, wait who cares, no one reads it anyway.

-
by Tanya @ 12/24/2003 03:08:00 PM

What I thought was love, wasn't love and now I'm shattered, ripped, torn, distored, suicidal, hated..wait an even better word to sum up everything...Fucked...plain and simple...fucked.
I was stupid and naive, this world is stupid to me now. I was stupid enough to get myself kicked out of school. I thought next year would be a fresh start, a fresh start to show all the teachers that I could put my mind to something. A fresh start to show Ben how I could change into a better person. But no, one decision caused me to bring absolutely everything on myself. Thank God I created this personal blog to write off whats on my mind and in my heart.

I deleted my website, in the process of making another one. One that will wash memories away because they don't matter anymore.

I would have to quote Robbie Williams on this moment I'm having right now:
'When I'm lying in my bed
thoughts running through my head
and I feel that love is dead
I'm loving angels instead'

except there is no angel. Angels aren't real, same goes for my dreams, faith and mind.

I never want to fall in love again, I have nothing to offer to anyone so whats the point. My broken heart will only remain to one person, forever. And that's a promise to myself, not anyone else.

Nothing really does last forever, even when you do give your heart and soul to someone.

-
by Tanya @ 12/24/2003 02:07:00 PM